A Lovely Chat with the Prince of F*ckin' Darkness and His Bearded Henchman

A 2007 interview with Ozzy Osbourne and Zakk Wylde goes memorably off the rails

The first time I ever interviewed Ozzy Osbourne was back in the summer of 2001, for the above issue of Guitar World, and I felt incredibly nervous about getting to spend an hour with such an absolute legend. But after interviewing him repeatedly over the next half-decade, my nervousness had completely given way to jadedness and eye-rolling annoyance. “Fuck,” I’d grumble to myself. “I’ve gotta interview Ozzy again?”

It’s not that I didn’t love the self-proclaimed “Prince of Fuckin’ Darkness”; but it was always a crapshoot as to whether or not you’d get something usable (or even coherent) out of him. Between his already-fried synapses, his obvious burnout from overwork — this being the period when The Osbournes was MTV’s premier franchise, and his wife/manager Sharon was doing everything she could to leverage his fame and earning potential) — and the lingering side-effects of whatever meds he happened to be on at the time, Ozzy could be an extremely difficult guy to keep on track. He was lovable as ever, of course, but focus was not his strong suit.

I’d interviewed Ozzy’s sometime lead guitarist and collaborator Zakk Wylde as often or more during this same stretch, and Zakk presented a challenge of a different sort. He loved to talk, and our conversations were always raucous (especially when booze was involved) and hilarious, but getting a straight answer out of him was exceedingly difficult; Zakk’s two favorite kinds of answers were sports cliches or sexual innuendo.

All of which is why it now completely blows my mind that Tom Beaujour (my editor at Revolver for the better part of a decade, and still my dear pal) and I somehow thought that it was a perfectly reasonable idea to interview Ozzy and Zakk together on the phone. And yet, back in April 2007, that’s exactly what I attempted to do.

The occasion was the upcoming release of Black Rain, Ozzy’s first album of new material since 2001’s Down to Earth. Zakk had co-written most of the songs on the record, as well as played all the guitars and keyboards, so I guess we thought it would be cool to get some insight from the duo regarding their working relationship. Which is not what happened at all, as it was pretty much impossible to get a word in edgewise once these guys got going.

At the time of the phoner, Zakk was on the road with his band Black Label Society, and Ozzy was in some degree of promotional mode on the West Coast, so they called in separately. A edited version of the train wreck that ensued eventually ran in Revolver — we thought it was too ridiculous to waste — but this is the first time the full-length transcript has ever been published.

ZAKK: [calling in] Hey, brother! What's goin' on?

ME: Hey, Zakk. How’s it going?

ZAKK: It’s going! [Laughs]

ME: I hear ya; I just finished watching my Cubs lose their first game of the season.

ZAKK: Were they getting pummeled?

ME: Yeah, the Reds beat ‘em 5-1; wasn’t much of a contest. So basically, the deal today is that we wanted to get you and Ozzy on the phone to talk about the new record.

ZAKK: Okay, no problem. We’ll figure out what happened. That’ll be fun. [Laughs]

ME: We're still waiting for Ozzy to call in. In the meantime, can you tell us a bit about the new record?

ZAKK: We had a blast makin' it, bro; we had a good time. It was just so much easier to do the whole thing at his house, instead of doing rehearsals and then doing it a studio. We’d just go down, jam some tunes; Ozzy would go, “Zakk, I like that riff,” and we’d just do it. Writing in the rehearsal space was always a drag. Ozzy would be like, "Zakk, I can't even think right now," because of the volume. Because it’s in Sensurround, you know? I mean, after 15 minutes where it sounds like nuclear bombs going off in the rehearsal room, he'd be like, "Zakk, my brain is shocked right now. I gotta get outta here!" Doing it this way made the whole process go way faster.

OZZY: [Suddenly joining in on the conference call] Hallo, Zakk! Hallo, Dan!

ZAKK: Oz! What are you doin', big guy?

OZZY: Oh, I'm down in Malibu. I've got my grandchildren around, would you believe? It's like that scene in The Godfather where he's chasing the kid around the vineyard. The only difference is that I haven't fallen into the fucking cabbages!

ZAKK: Oh my god. So you just chillin’ out right now?

OZZY: Yeah, and I’m doing a bit of promotion for the album.

ZAKK: I saw where you went to Elton John’s party.

OZZY: Oh, yeah yeah. I went to the one in London, and the one in, where the fuck, Newcastle? New York! And I went to see him at Madison Square Garden; I tell you, I haven’t been in the audience for a concert since me and you went to see McCartney all them years ago. I mean, for a guy of his age, he gives me hope — he kicked ass for three and a half hours with a break.

ZAKK: I know, Oz! I’ve seen him in Vegas; after we played there, I went to see him at Caesar’s Palace. Unbelievable, man — and he never stops! The guy keeps touring all the time!

OZZY: When I was staying at his house in the South of France with Sharon and the kids, he flew from South of France to Boston and did a thing in the football stadium; then he flew from there to Gibraltar, and from Gibraltar to Hong Kong to Beijing, and then back to fucking South of France in like, five days! He has more fucking mileage than an astronaut!

ZAKK: I know, it’s unbelievable!

OZZY: And when you see his show, you’re like, “Oh fuck, I forgot about that one!” He’s written some fucking amazing stuff over the years that you don’t hear on the radio all the time. He must hold the world record for hit singles! I know the song he did for Princess Diana is like the biggest-selling British single of all time — like, 39 million or so. Unbelievable. So where are you calling from?

ZAKK: Right now, I'm out in Nashville, and I guess we're doing a show in Louisville tomorrow. We've been knocking 'em out all over the place—three shows in a row, day off, another three in a row, day off, three in a row…

OZZY: If you can do it, that's all right. But when you actually get my fucking years around you, you'll be like, "Fuck that! Don't fucking disturb me when I'm just getting this cold one down my fucking neck!" [Laughs]

ZAKK: So Oz, Barbaranne [Zakk's wife] just came out for a couple of days. We did the show, and then I came back and took a couple of these Enzytes, these Viagra-type pills I got in GNC. I swear to Christ I thought I was gonna have a fuckin' heart attack! [Laughs]

OZZY: Well, you can't drink booze with them! Because what they do is, they give you a boner, but your blood pressure goes through the fucking roof!

ZAKK: I know! I found out! [Laughs] I’m sitting there pounding beers just to bring me down 'cuz I'm so fucking amped up! I'm in the bathroom, fuckin' pukin' and pissin' out of my ass, and Barb is goin', "Are you okay? You want me to send you to the hospital?" It's like, "How did Zakk die? Was it a drug OD?" "Yeah, he was takin' fuckin' Viagra, and he collapsed!" [Laughs]

OZZY: Ha-ha! But people do, though! We were on the road, and we go to this one place where this fucking doctor comes around with, like, a fucking suitcase full of samples. Tony [Ozzy’s assistant] was getting a fucking sackful. And then he said, "I heard it makes you blind," and I said, "I just take half of one and wear glasses!" [Laughs]

ZAKK: Oh my god, you can’t make this up!

OZZY: And you’re only going to have like a layoff before you’re back on the road with me! It’s like a stress-test to see when you’ll pop. I always tell people, “On one guitar solo, Zakk is going to explode and disappear up his own asshole!” [Laughs] And for me, to go from LA to England and England back to LA, I don’t know which fucking house I'm waking up in. I’ll wake up and go into the wrong room for a piss, and it’s like, I’ll have to get myself the fucking bleach!

ZAKK: One day when we were working on the record, I come into the house and go, “Hey Mom [Sharon] — where’s the Boss at?” And she’s like, “He’s in his music room, Sweetie.” So Dan, I go into the music room, and Oz is laying there on the couch just watching the History Channel, World War Two. I walk over and give him a kiss on the head and go, "Oz, what're you doin', buddy?" He puts his glasses on, and he goes, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?" [Laughs] I'm like, "Ozzy, it's me! It's Zakk!" And he's like, "Oh, I'm sorry, Zakk. Sometimes I don't know who the fuck I am, either. Don’t worry about it."

OZZY: Zakk, sometimes you get into fucking bed when you've had a few and sleep with me and Sharon! [Laughs] Those fucking golfing shoes have gotta go, man. They leave fuckin' marks on my legs!

ZAKK: Dan, check this out—the other day, we're getting ready to do all the dates for the tour for the new album and all that crap, and Sharon sits us both down. She goes, "Now boys, when you get to Russia…" And Ozzy goes, "Why the fuck are we playing Russia?" [Laughs]

OZZY: I have a Russian woman working at the house now, and she tells me she’s from… I don’t fucking know where. I told her, "Oh, you know, I'm going to Moscow." She goes, "You are? You will be taking bodyguard?" I'm like, "Why? They’re all sane there now." She goes, "Oh, no. They look at you and know you're foreigner—you wake up hogtied!" She tells me I'm going to be kidnapped and have my fucking eyes poked out! So I’m gonna get Tony a fucking Ozzy suit. [Laughs]

ZAKK: Oh, nice! [Laughs] Dan, check this out — when I was getting inducted into the [Guitar Center] Rock Walk, Oz was there to induct me, and he goes, “Zakky, make sure they don’t keep your hands in that cement for too long!” He goes, “The fuckers had me keep my hands in cement for over 45 minutes — and then they put my feet in a bucket of cement, as well. I go, ‘What’s this for?’ And then they’re driving me down to the fucking river…” [Laughs]

OZZY: I was just worried that they’d put you in one of those inflatables, push you into the water, and then take the guns out and burst the fucking thing! [Laughs]

ZAKK: Oh, you can't make this shit up! Fuckin’ A. Before you know it Oz, we'll be out on the road again. The madness will be starting all over again…

OZZY: Before you know it, we'll be fucking fightin', and I'll be complaining that my voice is going out again. The thing about it is, in my house, if I get pissed off they’re all used to it. I'll be yelling at Sharon, "I’m fucking 58 years old! You're not touring me like that this time!" And she'll be like, "Come on, kids. Let's go to the shops." I'm not fucking there! "Hello! Hello! I'm here!"

ZAKK: Exactly! I’m up at the house, at he’s screaming, “I can’t be doing fucking five shows in a row! What the fuck?” And then all of a sudden, all the kids start screaming about something else, and no one’s even listening to him. He’s screaming at the top of his lungs, and then he just stops and looks at me and goes, “You can’t believe this shit. No one fucking listens to me!” [Laughs]

OZZY: I’m like, “When are we touring?” “Oh, sometime in July.” “Really? How many shows?” I don't even know where we're doing the shows, because nobody fucking talks to me!

ZAKK: Ozzy just finds out when we get there! "Zakk, where are we at now?" "We're playing the Garden today, Oz." "Oh, great. What time are we onstage?" "Ten minutes!" [Laughs]

OZZY: People will come up to me and say, "Hi, Ozzy!" I'm like, "Do I know you?" "Well, I was at your house on New Year's Eve." "Oh, yeah? Where was I? Probably in some hospital somewhere…"

ZAKK: Dan, this was the best — when Oz was all banged up with the ATV accident [in December 2003], he was just coming out of the coma and he's whispering, "Zakky, Zakky." I bend down to hear him, because he's got the oxygen mask on. I go, “Oz, what’s up, buddy?” He's trying to say, "Make sure they don't give me a tracheotomy." But he’s whispering, and as I'm pulling the oxygen thing off his face so I can hear what the fuck he's saying, the thing goes "Whoosh!" and the oxygen starts flying all over the place. He's going, "Sharon! He's trying to fucking kill me! He’s trying to fucking kill me!" Oh my god! [Laughs]

OZZY: When I went back to the hospital to have them check all my metal bits, the guy goes to me, "Do you remember what you said to me when you were going into surgery?" I said, "I haven't a clue." He goes, "You grabbed me by the collar, and you said, 'If you fuck my tattoos up, I'll fucking kill you!'" [Laughs]

ZAKK: And then I'm standing there with Sharon after the surgery, as Oz is coming in and out, and he kept fucking with the nurses. One nurse would come in, and he's going, "Oh, I'm hurtin' really bad, I need some more fucking pain medication." So they're saucing him up with more morphine or whatever, and there's Oz, winking at me. And then another girl would come in, and he'd go, "Oh, she didn't give me anything! Can you give me something?" He was playing all of them!

OZZY: I'm the only patient in British medical history to get evicted from the hospital!

ZAKK: The best is, Oz is going to all the nurses, [groggy voice] "Would you fancy fucking a guy like me?" Sharon just looks at me and goes, "Yeah, he's back!"

OZZY: I was pulling all the pipes [tubes] out, going, “I don’t fucking need these! I want to get the fuck out of here!” But the nurse goes, “You do realize, Mr. Osbourne, that if you take these pipes out you can’t have them back in.” I go, “What you mean? Why would I want them back in?” “You’ll find out.”

ME: [After several failed attempts to inject a question into the conversation] So, Ozzy, what can you tell us about the new album?

OZZY: This album, I don't know, I didn't think I could come up with anything sober anymore. But I was pleasantly surprised! I’ve had to hear it nine zillion times, but you would though, wouldn’t you? And [coproducer] Kevin Churko was great to work with! He came up with some very good ideas for me. It's true that this album took a long time, but I'll bet you Axl still hasn't put a fucking vocal down yet.

ZAKK: I was saying, we should call the album Chinese DemOZracy, because this was the longest album it's ever taken Oz to make. We'd put it out, and Axl would blow a fuckin' gasket. He'd go, "They can't use Chinese Democracy!" And I'd go, "No, it's DemOZracy! It has fuckin' OZ in it!"

OZZY: Or if we called it Oriental Democracy, he’d go fucking nuts! Do you remember [tour security guy] Bill Greer?

ZAKK: Oh yeah.

OZZY: I said to him, “You’ve been doing your job for a lot of years. Who would you say is the worst fucking guy you’ve ever worked for?” He’s not an offensive guy, and he said, “I don’t really like to talk about those things, because it’s my job.” And I go, there’s gotta be some fucking asshole who got on your last nerve…” And he goes, “Well, what used to piss me off a lot was when I’d be out on the road with Axl, and he’d park outside the gig and he’d sit there for five fucking hours.”

ZAKK: I know, it’s crazy, dude. I always told him, “Ozzy’s never missed a fucking show. The only time he’s ever missed a show was if he couldn’t fucking physically talk.” I said, “We’d always answer the bell, no matter how banged up he was.”

OZZY: There was that time where I accidentally dumped a bucket of water all over the fucking monitors, and we still played!

ZAKK: Oh, totally! That was the best! [Laughs]

OZZY: I mean, that’s the sign of greatness, right there. No monitors, big arena, and we didn’t make one fuckup. But as soon as the monitors dried out we started fucking up again! [Laughs]

ZAKK: Totally. We were better off not hearing ourselves!

OZZY: [Abruptly signing off] So listen, I'll speak to you later, Zakk!

ZAKK: You got it, Oz. I'll see you in a bit. I love you, buddy.

OZZY: Bye. [Hangs up]

ME: Well, that was a bit of a train wreck…

ZAKK: Oh, the brewtality! [Laughs] Well, at least you got some good goofy-ass shit in there!

ME: So… what does the new record sound like?

ZAKK: Just killer tunes with cool riffs, you know? It sounds like a fucking Ozzy record, brother!

ME: Right on. Okay, Zakk; take care of yourself.

ZAKK: Thanks — I’ll see ya soon, buddy!

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